Last night I had an acute attack of inadequacy. Worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness. After all these years of working in this field of learning and inner transformation- the stranglehold of the ‘person’ has not fully gone yet. I now have had many glimpses of the absence of an identity/ entity called ‘Kiran’ and yet there still seems to be a strong identification with certain aspects of me. Father is one of them.

Out of this acute attack of inadequacy which seemed to churn my insides, and completely cripple me, a lot emerged this morning. A beautiful poem, many ‘seeings’ – one of them was- In my mind, I imagine and see myself in such a poor light and then when I see in the mirror, literally, I find, “hey, he is not such a bad guy. In fact, he is not just fairly good looking but also kind and wise. Why would he beat himself black and blue?” I plan to carry a mirror with me. 😉

In the midst of this acute attack of misery, this message comes from a precious friend on whatsapp – out of the blue- reminding me of how much life and love holds me and each of us.

“Dear Human: You’ve got it all wrong. You didn’t come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you will return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of … messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering.”

Another chat in the midst of the drama-trauma – on wsap with a dear friend in which she tells me:
‘And btw, next time you get a wave (more like a tsunami it was!!) … think of the fact that you have so many loving spaces (amazing friends, frentors, fellow-travelers) to turn to.. that says a lot about you and your worth ;)’ (brackets mine!)
And I hadn’t quite seen it like that. She asked, “Seriously?! You never saw that?”

I was in a conversation with my dear friend and mentor GD (frentor 😉 – a fellow-traveler who sees me as a ‘frentor’ coined this word!). He said inadequacy will remain till there is a desperation for greatness. Polarities and dualities sustain each other. Another frentor, Sangeeta had once revealed to me long back the polarity, ‘Tao master’ and ‘bechara’ that I seem to identify with. As one searches for the truth beneath these dualities, one must ask the question, who is this seeker? Many masters say that this seeker is just an idea, a collection of thoughts/ images- with no real substance. I have yet to fully ‘see’ that.

It seems that as a human race, if we could focus more on ‘seeing’ rather than ‘doing’ we would be happier. For the notion of a doer is often the block. If we could focus more on feeling than thinking, we would be more real. And if we could focus more on listening than speaking, our relationships would blossom more effortlessly.

Often truth can be digested more easily when spiked with humor. And we joke only about that which is most serious. Another frentor, Manoj Pavitran had once written this piece more than a year back which made me make peace with myself more. Another example of how life showers love in the most unexpected and sometimes funny ways. Those of you who know me will certainly enjoy it. And I suspect even for those you who don’t, it will bring a smile. The ridiculousness of it all. And yet how real and how utterly human this (non-)entity is! 😉

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A crash course in understanding Kiran

In the beginning I had trouble in finding the ground in relating with Kiran, but once I understood his uncertainty principle everything fell into place. In my understanding Kiran’s cats are always in a super position – both alive and dead at the same time. You need to know some quantum mechanics before grasping Kiran, here is a good video for those who are curious
Schrödinger’s Cat

To put it into more practical terms, take an example when Kiran informs me that he will be coming to Auroville during second week of April to stay with me for a week, I pass it through the uncertainty principle. In him there is an intention to do so in that moment when he wrote it. But anything can happen afterwards, he may or may not come, it may not be in April, it may not be for one week – all these are quantum field possibilities and the wave functions are yet to collapse to manifest one or other reality.

Couple of days before the arrival he will inform again – now you are more certain, the event is likely to happen. But you notice that he is planning to stay for a day, not a week as he originally planned. I remember the cat again. Anything can happen, there are some more days to go before Kiran materializes out of the timeless quantum states and infinite possibilities. So I don’t do anything in particular to organise my house or life around the potential event. I know I can even go out of Auroville if there is a need even if he has informed that he is coming because he understands quantum mechanics, I may or may not be here and he is always ready for surprise. So no worries 🙂

Then one day he actually materializes. Now I am certain, I can plan my day accordingly and plan it any way I want – he is open to anything – my cat can be alive or dead any moment.

I highly recommend study of quantum mechanics if you want to have some ground with Kiran.

Till you read this line this doesn’t even exist in your reality.
What you get as your reality is what you choose to observe and what chose depends on what you are.

Kiran exists, Kiran doesn’t exist, its a paradox.

There is no Absolute Kiran out there.

Of course there is Vinit’s Kiran out there, there is Arul’s Kiran out there, There is Raghu’s Kiran out there. We may do a statistical correlation to identify the real Kiran. A market research may show some consistent patterns that we can identify as Kiran.
But that is not Kiran, he is not a fixed thing or process out there.

I love what Arjun wrote “most persistent, resilient, stubborn, contrarian creature” – The wise fool on the hill!

I love this creature.

– Monjo (Manoj Pavitran) – 18 April 2013

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Much later, we formed a fellowship of fools, the Carvaanserai after having tired and learnt from the death of the more pompous ‘Chittasangha- a consciousness collaborative’. Thank God for death. So that life can blossom. Thank god for endings. So that new birthings emerge. I pray that we see the truth of the non-entity that we are so that the life can play its song uninhibitedly.